The Wonderful World of Kevin
by Minodude
Summary: The heartwarming short tale of Kevin, a young boy who discovers all he wanted was in 4 cucumbers, a blender, and the Italian Renaissance.


Kevin was happily walking down the road one evening, stepping on snails. However, this all changed when a portal opened right in front of him.  
"Kevin! Enter the portal!" There was a voice, bellowing out from the inside of the portal.  
"What is this?" Kevin yelled back.  
"Just shut up and enter it!"  
"Why would I want to do that?"  
"To advance the plot and skip a couple paragraphs."  
Kevin shrugged and jumped in, because Kevin hates reading. Before him flashed a multitude of lights and sounds, and footage in 4D by guest director Terry Gilliam, in an experience you'd only get to read about in a much better story than this.

When Kevin arrived at the other side, he was suddenly in the Renaissance era, and, to be precise, he was in Italy, 1540. A man stood there, proud. This man, of course, was Niccolò Machiavelli, poet, playwright, musician, statesman, diplomat, writer, philosopher, humanist, historian, and artist.

"Are you the one who was yelling out to me?" asked Kevin.  
"No" replied Niccolò.  
"Are you Leonardo Da Vinci?"  
"Che l'uomo ė morto da due decenni. Se fossi, sarei festeggiare.."  
"Do you know who Michelangelo is?"  
"Michelangelo risiede a Roma. Sei in Firenze. Non bello."  
"Who was yelling out of the portal?"  
"Batte la merda fuori di me."  
"So is this the Renaissance?"  
"Si."  
"Damn it. The Renaissance was a load of bloody Italians prancing around claiming the golden age of Greeks had come again."  
"Vaffanculo, segaiolo."

Kevin found his way outside and had a look around. There he saw hundreds of people, all carrying baskets, and buying things from markets. Kevin had no money, no items, just the clothes on his back. Merchants yelled out "Si prega di comprare qualcosa. Mia moglie tagliare la gola nel sonno, se non lo fai!" to the people around them, and people would run up and buy everything there was. Never before had Kevin seen such luxury in his life. He walked through and suddenly, an item was thrown across and landed in Kevin's lap. It was a shiny jewel, that happened to have a portal somewhat similar to the one he went through earlier. Kevin wondered what to do, but fortunately, an instruction manual just so happened to be etched into the back. He tried reading it, but he hates reading, so he simply threw it onto the ground, and the portal opened before him. He jumped in, and the world changed around him. The world rewound like a VHS and he saw himself talking to Niccolò.

"Who was yelling out of the portal?" asked past Kevin.  
"Batte la merda fuori di me." Niccolò replied, obviously annoyed by the fact that Kevin has no idea what he is saying. Current Kevin decided to run out from hiding behind a vase and uppercutted Niccolò in the diaphragm while accidentally tearing out his ribs.  
"Who are you?" past Kevin asked himself.  
"I'm you from the future! And I'm busting you out of here!"

Kevin knew that he was going to have a lot to answer for, especially tearing out Niccolò Machiavelli's ribcage, but he knew that in the future, they would forgive him. They ran out and the jewel fell from the sky, and hit Kevin on the head. Kevin threw it on the ground and jumped in with past him once more. Once again, it rewound like a VHS tape.

"Who was yelling out of the portal?"  
"Batte la merda fuori di me."

Past Kevin ran out of hiding and uppercutted Niccolò again.

"Who are you?"  
"I'm you from the future!"

Current Kevin came out from hiding and walked over to past Kevin.

"Well I'm you from the not too distant future."

And then another Kevin walked out from hiding.

"And I'm you from 20 minutes from now."  
"So how long does this loop go on for?" asked an even more future Kevin.  
"Well," said another Kevin, with 127 more following behind him. "Let's just say it lasts some time."  
"So, have any of you managed to save Niccolò yet?" asked current Kevin, and though this was followed by an awkward silence, he decided to wait through it. "Actually, let's just go try and save him."

They walked outside and an amulet fell from the sky, and as current Kevin caught it and threw it on the ground, they all jumped in.

"Who was that yelling out of the portal?"  
"Non ho nemmeno dare più un cazzo."

Suddenly, all 150 Kevins rushed out from the shadows and threw Niccolò off a very tall balcony.

"We're all you from the future!" the Kevins yelled out. "And we're busting us out of here!"

The current Kevin walked over to the very tall balcony and the amulet fell down into his hand. He threw it off the edge and jumped off the very tall balcony onto the very frail and injured Niccolò. All 150 Kevins joined him In this activity, breaking every bone in Niccolò's body. They all jumped into the portal and disappeared in a flash of light.

The Kevin's were happily walking down the road, and they were all crushing snails.

"So who was the voice in the portal?" one chimed.  
"No fucking clue." One said.


End file.
